On Growth and Spoons, Part 2

This post is sort of a continuation of my previous one, and something suggested by my therapist: focus on my mental issues' progress over this last year, and what my problems are.

To that effect, I thought about walking you readers over what a typical wakeup routine is for me, and then talk about it a bit.


Saturday, 7:00 AM. As usual, I'm jolted awake. This time, and unusually, by my watch. Most days, either my internal clock wakes me up at around 6:30 AM, or I get aggressively yanked out of a dream by something happening in it.
The therapist says that "yanking out" is not necessarily caused by dreams, but just from the normal sleep pattern, and my light sleep makes me wake up when transitioning from deeper states.
It might be the case, but it's still unsettling.

Saturday, 7:00AM. I unclench my jaw. Ever since I was made aware that I have the tendency to walk around and sleep while clenching my jaw, it is like a beacon calling out for me, during the day. It's true, and while I've actively been trying to reduce the time clenching during the day. Mixed results, honestly.

Saturday, 7:01AM. I know in advance I won't be able to fall asleep again. The only way that might happen was if I had fallen asleep even later than when I did.

Saturday, 7:01AM. I want to get up. I know my back is going to start bothering soon, so it would be a good idea to avoid that. I can't, though: when I got into bed, after 11:30 PM, my boyfriend was already asleep. I don't want him to fall asleep in an empty bed, and wake up again in the same empty bed. He deserves better.

Saturday, 7:02AM. I pick up my phone. I need to distract myself. My mind wanders enough as it is with something to do, let alone when I'm lying down doing nothing.

Saturday, 7:02AM. I go through my early morning routine on my phone: I check my bank statements; I check one of my two "passive" games (Godville), before taking a look at what happened on Twitter over the last 7 hours. Nothing much. After all, most of the people I follow have either been asleep or have been in bed for a couple of hours.

Saturday, 7:10AM. I switch over to Sudoku. I force myself to play only a couple of games. Sudoku has become an enormous time sink, in my everlasting quest to distract myself from my anxiety-driven thoughts.

Saturday, 7:20AM. I move over to the second "passive" game, Idle Heroes. Like Godville, I check on it two or three times a day, the first one being the longest.

Saturday, 7:25AM. I feel some rustling coming from the other side of the bed. My boyfriend is turning to face me, while still sleeping (or at least still mostly asleep). I take the chance to turn, too, and be the little spoon. I love being the little spoon, it makes me feel safe. It calms me down. It slows my anxiety.

Saturday, 7:25AM. I put my phone down. The way I'm facing, it will be shining on my boyfriend's face, and I don't want to wake him up. He had a rough end of the day, the day before, with a headache stronger than usual piling up on the end of the week's exhaustion. He needs the rest. I settle down a bit.

Saturday, 7:25AM. I unclench my jaw again. Since I lost my distraction, my mind is starting to wander again, towards my several anxiety triggers: my work; my tenants; the bank loan that is waiting for the build permits for our future house; my anxiety; my boyfriend's health; my current need to distract myself as much as I can, which leads me to not pay as much attention to my boyfriend as I should; my utter lack of a decent sex drive; my sister-in-law being a jerk; my brother being obtuse; my dad being alone after my mother passing away; my family collapsing after my mum's death; my health... The list goes on, really.

Saturday, 7:25AM~7:50AM. My mind jumps from trigger to trigger. I know them by heart. I know most of them are just my mind playing tricks on me. Others are just absurd. A couple of them are valid, and of course, my mind blows them out of proportion like it's nobody's business.
During this round of anxiety-driven thoughts, both my boyfriend and I switch positions again, and after a bit of time as the big spoon (it gets very uncomfortable for me really quickly, either my arm goes numb, or it needs to sit in a position that makes it start to hurt after a few minutes), I lay down on my back, and pick up Sudoku again.

Saturday, 7:25AM~7:50AM. I unclench my jaws a couple more times during this period.

Saturday, 7:50AM. My boyfriend turns to me again and puts his arm over my chest. That feels nice. It also helps with my anxiety. No wonder I feel lost when he's not around, I'm missing my tether to sanity.

Saturday, 7:50AM~8:20AM. Boyfriend's hand drifts down. He's awake. We kiss for a bit, we hug. Not sure if he wants more than just a snuggle/cuddle/kiss session or not. He probably wants more, though, it has been way too long since we have done anything more than that.
Unfortunately, I can't. Between the anxiety and my existing issues when it comes to sex, just thinking about having sex kills my mood.
"He deserves better" also automatically pops into my mind at these times.
I love my boyfriend, I do. I love his laugh, seeing him smile or make one of his weird or very graphic jokes lights my eyes.
I try to be there when he's down, God knows just how much he's helped me since we started dating. Sadly, I can't fix his health issues, nor can I fix his exhaustion from the ridiculous commute he has to endure. Which I also worry about, of course, because anxiety does that, and adds in "what if he's like that because he doesn't love you anymore?" to the mix.

Saturday, 8:20AM. We're both wide awake, now. We finish the cuddle session, and finally speak up. I desperately need to pee, so I kiss him again, starting my day proper.

Saturday, 8:20AM. As I stand up from my bed, I unclench my jaw again. Time to get busy and distract myself as best as I can, because every moment my brain is idling, it's ruminating on several of my anxiety triggers.


I have been prescribed SOS pills, for when I'm having bad days. Days when I feel my heart pounding in my ears. Days when idle thoughts make my heart rate spike to 120bpm+ when resting or standing around.
I try to avoid those pills. It's alprazolam, and while they're effective (30 minutes in, and I can feel my heart slowing down), the side effects are horrible. Withdrawal symptoms like jitteriness and heightened anxiety are not fun to begin with, but when impatience and outright rage bursts are added to the mix, it's not fun.

Saturday was not a bad day, though. I didn't need an SOS pill. Saturday was just another day with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD.

GAD as been my companion for a while, and it's the last big item on my mental health issues I've been dealing with over the last 15 years or so, the two other having been Major Depression, and dealing with my mother's death, which was the trigger for my most recent battle with depression, and a catalyst for everything else.

The Depressio Major has, luckily, been dealt with. I still have low points, sure, but not to the point of not caring about anything anymore, or even losing the ability to feel anything other than pressure (no pleasure, no emotional reaction from stuff around me, not even being able to properly parse taste or smells).
That was one major victory, which I need to thank both my therapist and my boyfriend, who were there for me for a long time, since it was dragging me down to very upsetting depths.

Sadly, both DM and GAD were going on at the same time. And with DM gone, GAD has been flaring up, because it stopped having a downer to keep it in place.

GAD has thus been my nemesis, this year, and the cause of an absolute lack of spoons for just about anything, and latching on to anything that A) makes me focus on one single thing, and B) takes my mind away from my laundry list of anxiety triggers.

Which is why Sudoku, YouTube, and most recently Outer Worlds, are time sinks. Because after a day when I've been either obsessively thinking about hundreds of hypothetical issues; or dealing with office politics and new things I need to learn how to do; or pretending to listen to my dad when he calls, because if I actually pay attention it will trigger more anxiety, but not talking to him would just bring up one of the items on the list of worries (that is, him being alone, and semi-frequently making remarks that make me wonder if I won't get a "dad killed himself" after he considers both my brother and I being OK); after such a day, which is basically every single day, my brain can't function properly anymore. I just want to be inside my little bubble, where I can leave everything else outside and just forget time exists. Much to my boyfriend's dismay. He doesn't point it out much, but I know he's suffering from it, and it kills me to know I'm causing him pain and distress.

If you've read the first part of this post, you'll know part of my anxiety is my doing. I chose to get a new job; and invest; and deal with banks; and go through getting building permits. That was on me. And I need to do better, so I only need to deal with what's already in motion, not adding more wood to the fire.

You'll be right pointing out that at least part of my anxiety triggers are self-inflicted. They are, possibly side effects of my low self-esteem. My therapist has rightfully pleaded with me to stop throwing myself into new high-stress situations, and I've been a good boy about that. Nowadays, the only new high-stress situations stem from work, thanks to multiple high-priority items being stacked neatly on top of each other. Not ideal, but at least I'm not also piling up on top of that.

Going forward, and with the return to the therapy sessions, I'll hopefully get a grip on my triggers, and start managing symptoms better.